Time. (Something Deep)

7 days until 1 year since I met J.

2-3 weeks until I move in to our new home.

2 months before I have every other Sunday free to drink at Daves, and hate Mondays all the more.

3 months til I go to vegas.

3 months and 1 week til Lucero, and whatever exciting comes from that :-X

4 months til William Elliot Whitmore.

Undetermined amount of time til I get off my ass and go to school.

0 seconds until I listen to another Lucero song and reflect on how vastly different my life was a year ago and how better off I am. And how badly I hope given a year with a decent human being you will be too.

All you weirdos and your new years eves. Its all about summer, yo.

Gah!

I hate my job. That is all. Also someone needs to invent a game that looks like you're working.

Tonight.

I went to the gym. For serious. First time in 2 years. All I will say its going to be a long road back.

Hopefully the pain and punishment will be enough to keep me from doing it again.

Jess, Mom, Sister, " Good for you!"

From Justin, what felt like scoffs and sarcasm.

This is whiny and most like PMS induced but....what the fuck?

Wheres my rock? Wheres my number one fan? The guy that no matter what had my back?

I know I USED to flake a lot on things, but I felt i've been doing better at least. I know I talk about doing many things, and don't do half of them but at the very least I talk about them. I dream about them, I ASPIRE to them. Is that not worth anything? I actually went out there and tried tonight. Made an important first step, fuck I actually went. And all you can do is tell me how terrible ill feel in the morning and making fun of the way I ate my fucking sandwich? really?

Especially after how down and depressed ive been. fantastic.

Yeah, Sorry I didnt let you tackle me on the bed after youre wonderful words of support. Thanks for showing me how much faith you have in me! rad!

Asshole.

sabotage!

My weight, my weight, my weightttttt....

I have never been this big this long. Whats sad is I KNOW how to lose weight. I KNOW.

I'm not going to say "Oh I dont know why!" Its not a fucking mystery. I eat a shit ton and do no activities. Then I get depressed, then I eat more, and watch more battlestar galactica.

I dont know what the fuck is wrong with me lately. EVERYTHING IS GOING RIGHT. I dont like my job but thats about it. Ive got a amazing boy, moving in to a new house, not incredibly broke, and yet I have no motivation to do a fucking thing. I feel like I dont have enough time in the day during the week but the weekends, I mostly just lay around and do nothing. I know I can change myself and my habits but then Im so bummed out about the here and now I do nothing.

Im in a shit cycle and I cant see the light. I almost wish stuff was shitty. Its like I have nothing to focus on.

Its so new to not hate my life so I have to create a situation to which I am unhappy! Its the most frustrating thing I think ive ever dealt with. I feel like I cannot let myself be happy. Theres GOT to be something wrong. Its almost like im trying to push Justin away, but in a completely new and self destructive way.

I need heeellllp. :(

Oh and This

My new jam. A song for J Bomb. Even though he hates country.

Marrow By William Elliot Whitmore

Him: Well, I went down to the harbor, oh, to see my baby there.
I went down to see my darlin', oh, and this is what I said to her.
I said, "I love you more than the air in my lungs, let's run away and get hitched.
To be with you 'til the cows come home is my single solitary wish.
Well, I got a little money buried underneath my porch in an old tin coffee can.
It ain't much but it's enough to buy some wine and to the pay the preacher man." Well, she said,
Her: "Hold on, not so fast. You've done me wrong in the past.
How do I know that this is real? How do I know that this will last?
How do I know that this will last?"
Him: Oh I said, "I swear down to the marrow of my bones that I'll never leave your side from now on.
If there's one thing I'm certain of, I'll find a way to prove my love,
and I'll never leave your side from now on." She said,
Her: "Alright, but you better toe the line 'cause my daddy is a mighty good shot
and I know that that head on your shoulders is the only one you got.
So if you want to keep it, I suggest you treat me right
'cause my daddy's got a real short fuse and he's liable to get uptight."
Him: Well I said, "Alright, that's fair enough now let's get on down the road
before your daddy has a chance, has a chance to reload, oh, Lord, has a chance to reload.
Oh, I swear down to the marrow of my bones that I'll never leave your side from now on
and if there's one thing I'm certain of, I'll find a way to prove my love
and I'll never leave your side from now on, from now on."
Both: Well, we had a real shotgon wedding.
Him: I brought the rifle and she brought the shells.
Both: And the townsfolks thought it mighty odd when they heard us shootin' at the wedding bells.
Oh, Lord, we were shooting at the wedding bells.
Now, I swear down to the marrow of my bones that I'll never leave your side from now on.
Him: And if there's one thing I'm certain of, I'll find a way to prove my love.
Both: And I'll never leave your side from now on, and I'll never leave your side from now on.

Ah, Summer. (Growing?)

I am far from a literary genius. In fact, I spelled both of those wrong. Furthermore, I originally put "spelt".

There is a strong chance you will find this blog incredibly boring. Its my head ramblins. Don't be a hater. Or do. Who cares.

Summer. A season I never had any strong feelings about. Days are days, Just some are hot. Last summer I actually feel as if I had a summer. There was untold cooking out, and massive amounts of Budweiser. I was in a wedding. I tanned. I started dating a very pretty boy. I moved out of what was my home for two years.

This last year was rough. I made a job switch. Which, until recently had been very hard for me to keep up. I finally stood up for myself in a toxic relationship and have received a ungodly amount of stress for it. (and one interesting piece of furniture to remember it forever.) I made new friends, And lost none...that I can remember. I also made some pretty big mistakes. Got scared and bailed on the one I loved the (2nd)most. Which in all honesty is normal for me. Whats not normal is that I continued to try. And things seem to be still working out. Again weird for me. I absolutely hate when people talk about how awesome there relationships are. But mine is. Seriously. It started out dramatic and weird, and has turned in to the most stable understanding and loving relationship I've ever had. Shit, that I would ever hope to have. I have never had someone try so hard, but still expect me to try too.

Things are just so much...better. Not where I want them to be, Not where they will be but better. My daughter, is pretty much exactly how I pictured her. She is crazy, sarcastic, wild, and hilarious. AKA me when I was her age. Its heart breaking to think of how fast my time with her is flying by. Even though she tried to hand me a turd a couple nights ago, I love her more than anything.

I believe I started this season off right. I took an excursion (holy shit, spelled that right!) to Louisville with Jessica. Although, I wish I hadn't made an ass out of myself after too many drinks, and ruined the next day with a terrible hangover, It was a blast just to get away and get to know someone a little better. One thing about being domestic and being happy at home is your friendships take a bit of a back seat for a bit. Hopefully, that can start changing again too. I am currently trying to put something together to see some friends I've missed.

Which sets me off to a new train of thought. Music. Well my ever evolving music tastes. Lately its been the likes of Bow Thayer or William Elliot Whitmore (thanks Jessica). I'm feeling....country. I would do damn near anything to be in a place that I could buy some shitty patch of country, miles from other people, build fire pits and go off roading in my crap hole of a Jeep. And learn to play banjo. Because I feel like I will never be a whole person until I do.

Skip to the end.

Shit is exciting lately.