Time. (Something Deep)

7 days until 1 year since I met J.

2-3 weeks until I move in to our new home.

2 months before I have every other Sunday free to drink at Daves, and hate Mondays all the more.

3 months til I go to vegas.

3 months and 1 week til Lucero, and whatever exciting comes from that :-X

4 months til William Elliot Whitmore.

Undetermined amount of time til I get off my ass and go to school.

0 seconds until I listen to another Lucero song and reflect on how vastly different my life was a year ago and how better off I am. And how badly I hope given a year with a decent human being you will be too.

All you weirdos and your new years eves. Its all about summer, yo.

Gah!

I hate my job. That is all. Also someone needs to invent a game that looks like you're working.

Tonight.

I went to the gym. For serious. First time in 2 years. All I will say its going to be a long road back.

Hopefully the pain and punishment will be enough to keep me from doing it again.

Jess, Mom, Sister, " Good for you!"

From Justin, what felt like scoffs and sarcasm.

This is whiny and most like PMS induced but....what the fuck?

Wheres my rock? Wheres my number one fan? The guy that no matter what had my back?

I know I USED to flake a lot on things, but I felt i've been doing better at least. I know I talk about doing many things, and don't do half of them but at the very least I talk about them. I dream about them, I ASPIRE to them. Is that not worth anything? I actually went out there and tried tonight. Made an important first step, fuck I actually went. And all you can do is tell me how terrible ill feel in the morning and making fun of the way I ate my fucking sandwich? really?

Especially after how down and depressed ive been. fantastic.

Yeah, Sorry I didnt let you tackle me on the bed after youre wonderful words of support. Thanks for showing me how much faith you have in me! rad!

Asshole.

sabotage!

My weight, my weight, my weightttttt....

I have never been this big this long. Whats sad is I KNOW how to lose weight. I KNOW.

I'm not going to say "Oh I dont know why!" Its not a fucking mystery. I eat a shit ton and do no activities. Then I get depressed, then I eat more, and watch more battlestar galactica.

I dont know what the fuck is wrong with me lately. EVERYTHING IS GOING RIGHT. I dont like my job but thats about it. Ive got a amazing boy, moving in to a new house, not incredibly broke, and yet I have no motivation to do a fucking thing. I feel like I dont have enough time in the day during the week but the weekends, I mostly just lay around and do nothing. I know I can change myself and my habits but then Im so bummed out about the here and now I do nothing.

Im in a shit cycle and I cant see the light. I almost wish stuff was shitty. Its like I have nothing to focus on.

Its so new to not hate my life so I have to create a situation to which I am unhappy! Its the most frustrating thing I think ive ever dealt with. I feel like I cannot let myself be happy. Theres GOT to be something wrong. Its almost like im trying to push Justin away, but in a completely new and self destructive way.

I need heeellllp. :(